Daddy Issues
If you haven't noticed, I love my Dad. A lot.
He's really, really, really kind, and selfless. He puts people's needs above his a great deal. He's calm. Aura wan wound am.
His expressions and stories will have you gasping you for air.
He loves to laugh too.
He has like 4 dance moves, and they come out on serious insistence.
A lot of times, he's a voice of reason, grounding, and encouragement. I could go on and on. This man has shown up for me in ways. In ways. In ways. Mehn.
He has shown up in ways that make it hard to not give my best. I reflect on how much has been invested and I tell myself that I must do everything to measure to the degree of love received.
And that's where the problem is.
Am I saying that proficiency is wrong?
Far from home.
What am I saying?
I realised that everytime I didn't do my best, anytime my results were on par with how much him and my Mum have invested; I felt like I had failed them. It felt like I had failed them. Even when I did my best. It's like I was given an opportunity and fumbled. Like I had to prove that I was deserving of his love.
Was it because I was ever in an environment where I had to measure up?
No. I am very loved at home, and at Home.
The craziest thing was that He'd never put me down, or make me feel like I fell his hand. He'd encourage me, help dispel negative thoughts, and cheer me on.
Why then?
Last week, it dawned on me that I did the same with God.
If it's appropriate to say, I have a problem being Daddy-ed sometimes. I realised that when I wasn't up to par with the grace of God, when my behaviour wasn't reflecting the Jesus I claimed I had received, when my life fell short of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross, I had to prove myself to God.
Isn't that funny? Like, really funny?
Trying to be on my best behaviour to please The Master. Igwe!
Being a walking contradiction. I realised that I was fighting the significance and necessity of Him coming.
Didn't He come and die, (and resurrect!) so that it would not be by my efforts????
Does that mean that I should keep leaving the 99 to be the 1?
No.
Does it mean that I should continue to sin that grace may abound?
God forbid.
Does it then mean that He'll leave me if I fall?
No.
Does it mean that He is here to sustain me, and hold me through the journey? YES.
He relates with me as a Good Father to His daughter. Not a heartless boss to employee.
Not grading my worth by my productivity, but with the life of His Son.
Gentle. Waiting to sup. More than willing to transform. Potter. Good thought-thinker-towards-me. Creator with a purpose. Maker of Men.
Should I go on?
As I write, I can see that part of the reasons why I feel the way I do. A knowledge problem sprinkled with impostor syndrome. Overcompensator much.
It's as though I don't really know that I am my Father's Daughter, and that He does not base His love for me on how good or high achieving I am, even if I didn't know or love Him....
He loves me regardless. That goes for the 2 of them.
I'll stop here for now.
If you're anyone like me, let's sit and breathe. Let's backtrack into the arms of our loving Father, and let Him teach us what His love really means.
For your earthly, please know that your performance doesn't determine your worth. You are not your proceeds. You are smarter than you know. You are stronger than you know. You are more brave than you know. You are not a coward. You are not weak.
You are more loved than you know. Rest in being somebody's child. Allow yourself be a child.
It won't be easyyy, I know. Let's try.
To the one who has experienced/is experiencing a rough relationship with their father, I am so, so sorry that you have go through such. I pray for healing, comfort, and strength in Jesus Name. I pray that you encounter the Father of fathers. The Originator of fatherhood. A very big hug.
To my Heavenly Father: Thank You for being Abba Father. Thank You for choosing not to forsake me even if my father and mother do. Thank You for being closer than close. FATHER Final Boss, I hail!!!!!
You too try🥹
To my Daddy: Happy Father's Dayyyyyy!!!!!
Any man can be a parent, but not every man can be a Father. I'm genuinely grateful for the gift of you! Thank you for everything you do for me!!!
I CELEBRATE YOU!!!
To every man that has been a father figure to me: I am truly grateful for all the love, care, and supportttttt. May God bless you for me!!!!!
I CELEBRATE YOU!!!!
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!!